Soul Searching

At twenty-three, I was determined to marry him. After dating for three years, I thought it was time. He wasn’t ready though and what resulted was an ultimatum, marry me or else.

We met at a bar the day after Christmas. He was home from college, celebrating the holidays with his family. I was there with my girlfriends celebrating- a Wednesday. Like a schoolboy he approached my friend to tell her he thought I was beautiful.

She laughed at him and said, “Don’t tell me, go and tell her.”

He did; innocently affecting our destinies evermore.

From that fateful moment he haunted and consumed my thoughts; perpetually on my mind.
He was in the service so for three years I followed him around the states, making a home where I could. I missed my family and friends but it didn’t matter because I loved him. Moreover, he loved me enough to make up for my loss.

We loved each other so deeply that everyone around knew it. It radiated from us; it was palpable. He was romantic and caring, protective and compassionate. We were insatiable lovers.

We fell into each other’s families very easily. My family loved and accepted him as much as I did and I thought of his mother as a second mom. When he would go on leave, I would often stay with her, somehow feeling closer to him just by being near her. She taught me lessons about life and myself that I still refer to; giving credit to the spiritual and open-minded person I am today. To this day, I miss her more than I can put into words.

We were engaged a year after we met. Another year went by and no plans were set. I got restless, and after months of harassing him about getting married, I broke up with him on a Sunday night in October. He was fine with it; he thought it was just going to be a break for a while and eventually I would be back. He was so wrong.

Months later, realizing I wasn’t returning he began to pursue me with ardent fervor, even going so far as to sending me a telegram asking me to meet him in Paris to get married.

However, what he couldn’t know was that I was reeling with independence. I had my own townhouse living alone loving it. After years of moving around, planning things around his schedule, and trapping me in cities and states where I knew no one let alone how to get to the grocery store, I was finally making choices for myself. I could not imagine where he would fit in.

I tried to let him know that I would always love him that in fact, I was breaking up with him because I loved him. The fact that he wouldn’t marry me was proof he did not love me on quite the same level. Dramatically, I wanted to free the one I loved but, when he actually did come back, I did not hold tight. I was stupidly acting the martyr. I know now what we were losing, what we lost.

I remember how he made me loathe him with his pleading and crying. I thought of him as weak and defeated. I thought he was only pursuing me because, in the spirit of the game, he could not bear to lose.

The last time I saw him, he came to my townhouse to visit me. As he sat down on the couch and started sobbing and pleading with me, I knelt down in front of him bringing him into my arms holding him, trying to comfort him. I think it hit him then that there was no use; I pitied him now and there was no going back.

Finally, he didn’t call anymore. The love letters, mix tapes and flowers stopped. Resigned to the fact that I was not coming back, I was relieved; I hated hurting him.

I met someone new and eventually persuaded him to marry me. He was just as reluctant but buckled under my ultimatum. We married ten years ago and have a son together. I love them both of course, but in a very different way.

It seems that the older I got the more that I thought of him. On bad days, I would often imagine what life could have been like, what he could have given me, and the places his traveling life would have taken us. I would dream of him almost nightly, usually of us reuniting. Waking up most mornings with a profound sense of relief only to realize it was just a dream and sinking into deep remorse with the reality of it.

Obsessively, I would comprise lists of songs that reminded me of him. I would write countless letters confessing my unrequited love for him and asking him for forgiveness, trying to explain why I couldn’t go back when he wanted me to, never sending a single one. Countless times I would pick up the phone to call his mother only to stop, overcome with shame.
I looked for him everywhere, gathering information about him through researching address records. I knew where he lived and to whom he married.

I was tortured by regret.

I am convinced that we are doomed to continually meet in lives yet lived falling in love only lose each other again. Eventually, I pray that we will break the cycle and remain together for eternity.

***************************************************

I had been practicing Astral Projection or out-of-body experience (OBE), for 20 years, off and on. I had become fascinated with it in high school when my sister and I successfully left our bodies, our souls meeting up in a different room in our house, and upon returning discussed it confirming the experience.

OBE is described as being achieved either awake or via lucid dreaming or deep meditation. The concept assumes the existence of another body separate from the physical body and capable of traveling to physical and non-physical planes of existence.

One morning after waking from another particularly disturbing dream, I thought about trying to contact him via OBE. It had occurred to me several times over the past few years but I did not feel confident enough to do it. In my desperate state, I decided I would finally try it.

I yearned to see him; to know what his life was like without me. I had to know if seeing him would change me in someway, make the dreams stop or make him love me again.

When I would usually do an OBE, my soul would travel around my body, observing and interacting with my immediate environment. I have on occasion visited people locally that I know, being nighttime when I would usually travel they would be asleep or doing something very mundane so I wouldn’t stay long. Plus, I always felt like I was intruding, which I was. They never saw me though, that I know of; I wasn’t sure if it was even possible to see me in that state.

The night I decided to go visit him, I was so anxious that it didn’t work. To succeed in separating my body from my soul I had to remain calm; to capture that moment between wakefulness and sleep and utilize it. I tried on several occasions after that but my adrenaline would keep me in my fixed state.

Finally, one night I was successful. Like countless other times before, I felt myself lift up through my body as if a marionette having its strings snipped one my one, the roof of my house rushing at me and the dark summer sky opening before me. The waning moon glowed white and iridescent as stars hurried toward me like the oncoming headlights of celestial vehicles. Liberation and joy flooded me as it often would with OBE; soon I was soaring within the night air.

I wasn’t sure if I could find him. I had studied maps and routes to his home but from up there it was hard to make out familiar landmarks. Drifting for what seemed like hours, I finally found his house. It was very dark, the lights out. I decided to go in through the front door not knowing where I would find him.

Passing through the big wooden door into a living room, I could see pictures of the two of them, him and his wife. He looked happy and she, very beautiful. I could see a picture of a child as well. I thought it looked like a little girl with eyes like his and a mass of dark curly hair. Feeling a perverse sense of jealousy, I thought that this should be my child.

Drifting up a flight of stairs and down the hall I found a large master bedroom. I could see red lights glowing from a bedside alarm clock and an old rocking chair in the corner that I recognized as one we had bought together. Nostalgia racked at my heart.

Diaphanous moonlight illuminated the room as I looked at the big four-poster bed and there he was sound asleep, breathing slowly. The sight of him was surreal, he appeared the same. How many nights in our past had I lie awake watching him sleep? It felt like 15 years had not passed between us. I fought the urge to crawl into the bed next to him.

I crept closer, my heart aching with excitement and fear. He kept his hair short in the same cut. His face didn’t show any wrinkles, time had been kind to him. I noticed the scar on his finger from when he was a child. He told me he had broken it on a glass doing dishes with his grandmother. I recognized the familiar pattern of moles on his skin. I saw his strong hands that I used to love to hold and study. He was the same man.

Moving in I knelt down close to his face. I studied it for a long time wondering what it was about him that had captivated me all those years ago. Was it his dimples now in sleep just crescent-shaped shadows? Or his lips full and wide? Was it his muscular jaw sprinkled with a slight shadow of new growth? Or the fringe of long lashes fanned across his cheeks?

He opened his eyes.

I crouched there in front of him unable to move. I was thunderstruck. He was looking directly at me. Could he see me?

Confused and afraid, he stared back at me blinking, his brow furrowing, eyes squinting as he tried to focus on what was in front of him; attempting to rationalize the eerie manifestation before him. With realization and shock, his eyes opened wide as he held my gaze for a moment.

“What?” He said jerking up and backing away from me.

I couldn’t hear him. I could see his mouth make the words but no sound came to my ears.
“Am I dreaming?” He said looking at me with a confused and terrified stare.

“No,” I said. “It‘s me,” trying to convince him. I could tell he couldn’t hear me either.

“What?" He sputtered shaking his head, “How?”

His wife moved in the bed next to him and he glanced over his shoulder at her. She continued sleeping but hearing him roused her a little. Assured she was still asleep, he looked back at me.

“You,” he said incredulously, “are here right now?” pointing to the floor in front of me.

Relieved as I saw the fear ebbing from his face I nodded and smiled.

“I can barely see you,” he said squinting again, trying to focus on my face.

He reached out a hand to touch my face and it passed right through me. I sensed a breath of feeling, a sensation like a spider crawling on my skin; just the slightest brush of sensory. He pulled back his hand in horror.

“Are you dead?” He asked fearfully tears welling up in his eyes.

“No…no,” I said shaking my head trying a soft comforting smile.

“Then how?” He questioned again.

His wife stirred again moving up close to his back to snuggle.

Reminded of her presence, he looked at me uneasily. He had another woman in his bed, she was meant to be there of course, but the look was no less a guilty one.

A bittersweet smile played on my lips and I looked at him knowingly.

Suddenly, I felt an urgency to get back to my body.

“I have to go,” I said trying to mouth the words very slowly so he could read my lips.

“OK,” he said still dazed by my presence.

“Will you come back- can you?” he urged.

I felt myself surge with joy, I nodded and grinned.

Baking away I hovered near the center of the room. Recalling my physical body, I concentrated on bringing myself back, in an instant I was in my bed. Opening my eyes I lie there for a second restlessly trying to grasp what had happened.

All at once, I jumped up from the bed and ran to the bathroom. Flicking on the light and slamming the door behind me, I rushed to the mirror looking at myself. Tears began to pool along my eyelids, squeezing my eyes shut I felt them spill out onto my cheeks. Opening them again, I peered back at myself and stared at my blurry reflection. Mixed feelings of remorse, guilt and happiness washed over me. Seeing him again brought back sensations and memories, the shock of it vibrating my body seizing me with excitement and trepidation.

I wondered what he thought of seeing me. If he thought I looked the same. Did he still find me as beautiful as he once did?

I thought back to our conversation; he wanted to see me again. I was flooded with happiness.
A few nights passed before I was able to leave my body again. Yet again, apprehension and adrenaline kept me rooted to my physical body. When I finally could leave, it was easier to reach my destination. In a matter of seconds, I was at his front door.

Moving through the front door and into the living room I found him lying on the couch sleeping. No lights were on except for the TV.

Moving up to him, I bent down near to his face. I wasn’t sure what to do to wake him. It wasn’t possible for me to make any noises to alert him. Then thinking that maybe he could sense what I felt when he touched me, I lightly caressed his cheek and forehead. He swatted me away as if I was a fly, I kept it up until he was pestered enough to wake.

He sat up drowsily shaking a dream from his head as he looked down at me, seeing me, he smiled.

“I felt that,” he said surprised caressing his face where I had touched him.

I smiled and nodded.

“Can you feel me?” He questioned lightly touching my arm.

“Yes,” I said watching as his hand pushed through the fuzzy transparency of my skin, “a little“.
“You look like a ghost,” he said grimacing.

“I’m not,” I replied giggling.

“Good...too freaky,” he confessed, shyly smiling embarrassed by his cowardice.

“Yeah,” I said happy to see him smiling back wishing I could hear his voice.

I moved to sit next to him on the couch, gazing at him enthralled by his company. Feelings came back to me with a rush; memories of our last encounter seizing me with guilt.

“Can I hug you?” he asked bashfully.

My heart skipped a beat as I nodded in reply.

He stretched out his arms, as I moved into them they circled around passing right through me. I felt the slightest sense of something just under my skin, like a muscle spasm or a tic.

Pulling back I looked at him sorrowfully.

Looking down at his hands he frowned, “I can’t feel you very well,” he said looking up at me.
“I know,” I said hopelessly bowing my head.

Moving off the couch, he walked up to an end table pulling out the drawer, withdrawing a pad of paper and a pen he held it up for me to see.

“This should make things a little easier,” he said with a smile flashing the items in the air.
Yes! I thought, beaming at him nodding.

Sitting down beside me he thought for a bit then began writing something down. Finishing, he held it up for me to read. In handwriting that made me sigh with recognition it said:

I miss you
How are you doing this?
Can I do this?
Where is your body right now?
Do you miss me?

Looking back at him, unable to hold a pen in my state to write down my answers I, instead put fingers up to acknowledge each line of his note:

1. I put my hand over my heart and smiled
2. I mouthed the letters ‘O…B…E’
3. No
4. Home in bed
5. I nodded and said, “Yes, that is why I am here”.

Staring at me with an anxious smile on his face, we sat for a few moments looking at one another, searching for things to say.

“You look the same,” I said finally.

“Yeah, so do you,” he replied, a quick spark of passion flashing across his eyes.

Continuing to gaze at one another each contemplating our situation, I was overcome with need, I ached to touch him; I craved his touch. Touching my lips and kissing them, I reached out laying my fingers against his mouth meeting his skin, he closed his eyes.

Feeling a small tingle in my fingers I savored the sensation yearning for it to be more than it was. Slowly, I pulled my fingers away.

Opening his eyes he stared back at me, that flicker of passion burning brighter.

Moving his fingers to his mouth like me, he kissed them. As he touched me, small prickles pulsed on my lips.

Gazing back at him his fingers lingering at my lips I was struck as I saw ardor, confusion, and sadness wavering in his eyes.

Putting his had down he took up the notepad and wrote:

I love my wife.
I love my daughter. She is my world.
I would do nothing to betray her love.

He showed it to me with a remorseful smile.

Reading it I looked at him considering the sincerity in his eyes. I nodded feeling guilty at the mention of his wife and child.

Then he wrote:

But I will always love you

I looked up again, my heart bursting, his deep brown eyes now filled with tears and said, “Me too.”

“Why then,” he begged, “Why didn’t you come back to me?”

“I was foolish,” I said ashamed, “and too young“.

“What are you saying then?” he said with a hint of spite in his eyes.

I shook my head and looked down shrugging my shoulders, defeated.

“You don’t know?” He said doubtfully his eyes flaring with hostility.

“Please,” I said looking up imploringly, “not now.”

Staring at me with pleading eyes, then softening his look in surrender he said, “OK”.

"I have to go," I said immediately feeling my mind stirring in my physical body, threatening to wake me.

“Wait- will I see you again?” he asked.

“Yes, if you want,” I said.

“Yes, but when?” he asked anxiously.

Shrugging my shoulders I said, “I’m not sure.”

“When I can,” I assured him and smiled.

“Alright,” he conceded.

We waved goodbye as I moved through the door.

When I got home, dogs were barking outside my window, the probable cause of waking me. I moved to close the window and scanned the night sky.

As a couple, his lifestyle would often keep us apart. While talking on the phone hundreds of miles between us, we would often look out to the night sky to look on the same moon, keeping us grounded. I knew at that moment, that, like before, he was gazing out across the sky as well, both of us searching for one another on the opaque surface of the moon.

When I returned to see him a few days later he wasn’t in the living room as before. I moved up the stair to his room. When I got there, he was making love to his wife.

Shocked, I couldn’t believe what I was seeing.

Looking up he saw me, his wife’s head buried in his chest unable to see me. He stared at me with empathy and lust in his eyes.

“You,” he mouthed.

As he tenderly kissed, caressed and moved with her he said again, “For you”.

While keeping a steady gaze on me, I watched as he slowly and passionately made love to her.
Knees buckling with the weight of what he was showing me; what he was giving me, I collapsed to the ground. I imagined I could feel him in me, moving with me. I began to cry.

He came with his wife never once taking his eyes off me.

Shuddering and panting bending his head low beside his wife’s head looking to me he said, “I love you”.

I fled.

In the weeks that passed images of that night haunted me. : Dreams of him and me; dreams of her and him. All of them possessed me. I didn’t know what to do with what happened.
When I finally came back to him, he was again back on the couch but this time he was awake. He was waiting for me.

Startled, he said, “Hi”.

“Hi,” I said.

He quickly grabbed the notepad from the table and wrote:

Are you mad at me? You haven’t come for so long.

Looking at him I shook my head. A look of relief crossed his face as he sat back.

I just wanted to show you. He wrote.

“Thank you,” I said staring at him earnestly.

I moved to the space beside him.

Hearing a sound, he quickly turned his head and looked to the stair. I saw a little girl rubbing her eyes making her way down the steps. He jumped up to retrieve her.

Stealthily, I got up and moved to the shadows.

Watching as he scooped her up saying something in her ear consoling her, I crept farther into the darkness. She nodded to him; put her thumb in her mouth laying her head on his shoulder.
With eyes full of pride and love, he looked over to where I was and said, “My girl,” affectionately kissing the back of his child's sleepy head.

“Beautiful,” I said, “like you,” tears welling up in my eyes.

He smiled and moved to the stairs taking her back up.

I turned and went home.

Seeing him with his daughter brought a completely new light on the situation. Bombarded by mixed feelings I wondered what I would do if I were in his shoes. Would I allow this to happen? How far should this go? At what point does it turn into something else? Most importantly, what am I willing to sacrifice?

That night when I got back home, I crawled into bed next to my son. As he slept, I stroked his tiny hand holding it to my lips kissing it softly and wept. I cried for the little boy whom I loved more than anyone; even Him. I wept for everything I didn’t have and everything I did. Curling up next to him, cradling his little body in my arms, I fell heavily into a dreamless sleep.

After much deliberation, I decided to see him again. A few days later, I walked into the living room; again, he was awake waiting for me on the couch.

Without conversation, I approached him and pulled open my robe revealing my naked body. On it was written everything I wanted to say to him for the past fifteen years.

I wrote how I missed him and often dreamt of him. How I thought of him everyday. I confessed to him the shame I felt for leaving the way I did. I recalled some of the unforgettable moments that we shared. I wrote about his mom and how I missed her. I explained to him of my life now; how dearly I loved my little boy.

Displayed in front of him, tears streaming down my face I held open my robe so he could read the words written on my soul.

Finishing, he stared at me through glistening wet eyes.

“Thank you,” he said a look of bittersweet regret on his face.

Opening my palm to him, I revealed that last thing I had written:

I love you and will see you again, perhaps in another lifetime. Until then keep me here-

I closed my palm and held it to my heart; fading from his life once again.

Passion Play

“I can’t just sit here anymore!” said Juliet with a whine, brimming with energy and impatience, “I’ll be right back,” she continued bouncing out of her seat heading towards the bar “you want anything Syl?”

“Not yet”, I said smiling and holding up half-empty glass, “maybe in a little bit. Thanks Jules“.

As I watched Juliet make her way to the bar I sat on my bar stool concentrating on a warm gin and tonic. Party-goers milled around me laughing and yelling to one another in the crowded smoky bar as I intently drank down what was left of my drink wanting to be high enough not to care that I was alone.

My friend Juliet and I had been at the bar for two hours. I could tell that her drinks were kicking in. She was up at the bar whoring for another free drink. Thrusting out her chest and grinning at every male that walked by. Eventually, some loser would bite and buy her a drink in exchange for a dance.

Every once in awhile Juliet and I would go out together and party. We had been friends since our early twenties sharing some crazy nights out together. Hitting the clubs and bars, we did things without considering our reputations or our moral foundations. We were young, wild, and at times a little too enthusiastic.

Lately though, I was reluctant to go out. More often than not, I would end up watching her mash faces with some dude all night hoping and praying to leave before his fat drunk friend would assume I was willing put up with him “for my friends’ sake“.

Moreover, we were in our thirties now. To blame drinking on our inhibitions was not as easy as it used to be. Now, I had real life duties and responsibilities. Somehow, while trying to be an adult I was losing my self-esteem and my gumption. Unfortunately, I was looking for it at the bottom of a glass.

Unlike me though, Juliet still held some of that fiery boldness in her. In addition, she had lost a bunch of weight. God knows what a new body and wardrobe can do for your confidence.

Watching Juliet head for the dance floor accompanied by some random fellow a new drink cradled in her hand, I saw a guy walking up to our table an unlit cigarette dangling from the corner of his mouth. Minding my manners and grabbing my lighter from the table, I flicked it under the cigarettes end I waited for him to respond. Instead, he just stared at me letting the cigarette hang for a few moments then finally slowly pursing his lips pulling in a long drag. Nodding thanks, he turned his head exhaling the smoke. The stare was uncomfortable making me blush.

Eye contact is too intimate for me. When looking someone in the eye, you are acknowledging the fact that, “Yes I want to see you” and most importantly, “I want you to see me“. Not self-confident enough to reveal this fragile-kind-of-stare to strangers anymore, I avert their gazes.

There was a time when I could have meet that gaze and held it. I would even boldly examine my subject staring down at their crotch then back up to meet their gaze once more, sizing them up. Not anymore.

As I put the lighter down, I glanced at him. He was handsome with brown eyes and a little beard stubble darkening his jaw. I quickly looked away.

From the corner of my eye, I saw the “Cigarette guy” turning heading toward the other side of the bar. Letting out a breath easing my shoulders down relaxing a little, I was watching him walk away giving me a chance to check him out.

Wearing a black t-shirt tucked into some faded jeans showing off his lean waist, he was six feet tall and stocky. The jeans a bit loose crinkled a little down the middle each time he took a step. Covered in blond hair his arms were tan and muscular. Except for colic at his hairline, making his hair stick up, it was short and slicked back.

I was getting nostalgic remembering the days when men like this would have stayed at my table. Bringing my drink to my lips, I toasted my own pity party.

Stopping and turning he caught me looking. Catching my eye and smiling. He had a fantastic smile, full lips and great teeth. His face was tan except for a little pink on his cheekbones and nose. Despite being bold, he had a look that appeared bashful. Embarrassed I looked away.

Could he see the insecurities in my eyes? I didn’t doubt it. This was more embarrassing than getting caught staring at him. It was debasing knowing that someone recognized you were without confidence.

Looking away, I started watching Juliet. Annoyed and envious I watched while she grabbed a new partner and started grinding on his leg. I ordered another drink.

Getting light-headed, as the night lingered, I was feeling more sociable, Dancing and laughing with Juliet I could feel myself liven up.

From the dance floor, I saw him, the “Cigarette guy", moving to a table near ours. Sitting back legs stretched out in front of him, his beer perched on his stomach, and he looked buzzed.

Instantly crestfallen, my heart sank when I saw him staring at Juliet. It disturbed me to think I might have to listen to them all night. She didn’t notice him looking but would eventually.

Turning away, I kept dancing. I was not going to let this wreck my night. Maybe she wouldn’t see him or maybe someone would come along and whisk her away before she realized he was looking. As we danced, I prayed.

The band was announcing a break when I saw her look towards our table and spy out our new neighbor. It was remarkable to watch. You could see it on her face when she realized what she had found.

He was looking at her too, very critically. She smiled and even demurely looked down and feigned bashfulness. Not wanting to watch, I headed to the bathrooms.

The bathrooms were located down a long hall. There were seven or eight doors off the hall each leading to a private stall. I waited in line for the one farthest back so I could feel the air-conditioning. Steamy from dancing I needed fresh air to clear my head.

After ten minutes of waiting, it was my turn. I grabbed the door behind the girl leaving and walked in. As I shut the door, someone slipped in behind me.

I started to protest when she blurted out, “Oh, man, I’m sorry I’m barging in here on you. It is just that I really wanted to talk to you and it is so hard to out there. I can‘t hear a thing”, she gave a little giggle and shut the door behind her engaging the lock.

The air was cool in the bathroom and felt nice. The back of my neck was slick with sweat and the cool air made me shiver.

Noticing she said, “Feels good in here, huh?”

“Yeah”, I said.

I was feeling a little strange. What did she want to talk about? Did she know me? She didn’t look familiar.

Slender and petite she held her body very gracefully. Her impish face had dark eyes that curved up at the edges. Long thick lashes made her eyes look even more exotic. She had an olive complexion that was smooth and radiant. Her nose was small and delicate. Her mouth was heart-shaped with full soft lips. Her hair cut in a pixie style emphasized the elfin look. She was very charming.

Not knowing what to do next, I turned around and looked at the toilet. Should I just go in front of her? Should I ask her to leave? I am not shy when it comes to ‘going’ in front of people, years of sharing a bathroom with sisters and roommates had made me comfortable enough with my body around others but I did not know this girl.

“Go ahead” she said from behind me, “I’ll wait till you are done.”

“Ok”, I said.

I unbuttoned my jeans all the while looking down and concentrating on what I was doing to avoid eye contact with her. I pulled my jeans and panties down and sat down on the cool seat. Finishing, I grabbed my jeans and undies together and stood pulling them up and over my hips.

Instantly, she was beside me at my elbow. I could feel her soft hand touch the inside of my wrist.

“Stop”, she said in a soft whisper.

I stopped. My pants were up but not buttoned or zipped. She was inches from me.

Smelling like alcohol and something sweet, her breath filled my nose. Moving to stand in front of me, I felt her put her hand on the side of my waist.

I was dumbstruck. I could not wrap my mind around it. Buzzed, it was hard to think.

My first reaction was to take a step back. I did and the toilet stopped me. I couldn’t move.

I wasn’t sure what to do. She didn’t appall me; women have always intrigued me. I could appreciate their curves and allure. I had kissed girls for fun, usually to get men to squirm with erotic notions but this was different. There was no one around to impress or rile up.

If this were a man, I would know his intentions. I would know what to do. I felt awkward and anxious.

She was looking down at the button of my jeans, fingering it lightly. Flinching, I felt her touch the skin underneath. Looking up she caught my eye. Putting her palm on my belly, she held it there under my shirt. She placed my hand on her belly near the hem of her shirt. I could feel a sliver of warm skin beneath it. My nipples hardened.

My mind reeled with questions. What was she doing? What was I doing? How far is this going to go?

Warmth radiated from her hand to my crotch, it pulsed in acknowledgment. She moved my hand under her shirt so that I was touching her skin. My fingers trembled as I let her lay my hand across her bare skin.

Forcing me to back up to the wall, she stepped closer to me. She moved so close against me that her breasts were touching mine. I could feel her nipples hard under her shirt. She was not wearing a bra.

For some reason, this was what made me crack. I let all my inhibitions go. Still not knowing what to do I stopped questioning it and started to respond. I let her direct me. She was soft and beautiful and she obviously wanted me. It was too tempting to stop.

She took my hand and moved it up her shirt. I could feel the curve of her breast with my thumb. I moved it up and brushed her nipple. It was rubbery and firm. I could feel the wrinkles and ridges grow tight.

I closed my eyes. Moving the hand on my stomach to the edge of my panties her other hand was slowly creeping up my waist to my back to unclasp my bra.

Grasping the sides of my shirt, she pulled it up taking my bra with it. I lifted my arms and allowed her to pull my shirt up over my head.

The air was chilly on my moist skin and covered in goose bumps. I could feel the heat of her breath close to my shoulder. Her head bent down her lips brushed my nipple.

I caught my breath and opened my eyes watching as she flicked the tip of her tongue out to lick my nipple. I let out a gasp and she looked up at me.

Taking both my hands in hers, she reached down to the hem of her shirt and we both pulled it up over her head.

She was perfect. She had a flat tummy and small firm breast. She had a ring through one nipple. Reaching up I touched the shiny gold loop. Hooking my finger through the ring, I gave it a little tug. She flinched and cooed.

She stepped up against me pressing her naked chest to mine. I could feel the small polished ring cool against my own nipple.

She looked me in the eye for a moment then looked down at my mouth and studied it. She slowly licked her lips then roughly placed her mouth on mine pushing her tongue within.

Her tongue was velvety and tender. I opened up my lips and pushed my tongue against hers. My hands went up and I grasped the back of her neck and forced an even deeper kiss.

She had one hand on the curve of my back pulling me towards her and one hand pulling the waistband of my panties sliding it down under the fabric. The farther she moved under my undies the more feverous the temper grew in our kiss. She was thrusting her hand down farther and tangling two fingers in my pubic hair recklessly searching for my clit. She began sliding her fingers down rubbing the valleys of my flesh. I groaned into her mouth.

She pulled her mouth from mine looked down and tugged my jeans and panties down.

I felt extremely exposed. I was naked in a bar with a woman. It was sublime.

She took my hands pulling me up against the sink. Sitting on the edge of the sink my pussy thrusting up in air, I parted my legs enough for her to walk up between them.

She kissed me lightly on the mouth. Her hands rested evenly on my thighs as she nudged them apart. She moved her palms up so that her thumbs we caressing my inner thighs, moving them back and forth slowly inching her way towards my exposed sex. I could feel a warm trickle start to seep from me.

I couldn’t take my eyes off her as she moved her thumbs against the folds and wrinkles of my sex. She kneaded her thumbs rhythmically, circling them around the tender head of my clit. I moaned. She giggled and pressed firmer circling quicker.


I could feel the on-coming rush of an orgasm at the periphery of my senses. I closed my eyes and leaned my head back ready to receive the flood of sensations. She slowed her pace and stopped. I opened my eyes immediately and peered down at her.


I must have looked incredulous because she snickered and said “Not yet.”


I sighed and closed my eyes feeling the tide of sensations ebb. I leaned back a little staring up at the ceiling and sighed.


Something warm moved over my sex. My eyes jarred open and I looked down to see her staring back at me from between my legs. Her nose was snuggling into the creases of flesh. I could feel her quick breaths on me, as she would inhale and exhale; the sensation made me smolder. She buried her tongue in me twisting and prying. I started to pant and moan quietly. Her mouth enveloped me. Her tongue meandered around tangling and knotting me in her mouth until she found the spot where she knew she would bring me out. Her eyes carried an eagerness that made my insides flash with heat. She was bidding me to come into her mouth.

I curved my leg over her shoulder, pulling up my other leg to the side of the sink so I could spread out wide enough to watch her dine. I watched as my sex disappeared into her crimson maw; fiery red and shimmering as the inside of a pomegranate.

As I got closer to climaxing, I seized the back of her head and forced her closer. She suckled and flourished her tongue with more vigor. I heard a deep guttural moan from her throat and felt it reverberate on my clit. The vibration sent me careening over the brink.

The tide rushed over me and my whole body bolted upward. My hips convulsed uncontrollably. I could feel my sex pulsate with each wave of my orgasm. I sucked in my breath then let it out in a loud cry of ecstasy. I bucked and quivered under her mouth as she clenched even tighter to hold fast to my spirited snatch.

She moved her fingers to my opening and drove her fingers inside me. Using her thumbs to stroke upwards, they mingled with her tongue to provide a new sensation intensifying my climax.

In a frenzied state, I stood up. Her mouth broke its vacuum-like clinch with a slurping noise and she leaned back on her heels. Her full lips were red and swollen. Her mouth and cheeks were glossy with my liquid.

Impatient for more, I pushed her on to her back so she was lying down on the floor. I knelt down on the floor with each knee on either side of her face. I hovered over her yawning mouth. She stuck out her tongue and I lowered my sex onto the tip. I pitched my pelvis back and forth over her rubbery pink spear.

She lapped at me in short little beats like a thirsty kitten to a bowl of cream. She was teasing and enticing me. With a look, she begged me to fuck her, to crave her. I moved lower until finally I closed in on her mouth, smothering her.

She clenched her jaws on me once again and stirred her tongue round the rim of my sex prying the aperture open wider. She glided it back and forth up along the grooves then down back into my hollow. I could feel the rough texture of the taste buds on her tongue as they grazed across my chubby soft mass. Her saliva mixed with my fluids and made me silky with moisture.

I squirmed and ground my pulp into her mouth. I rode her face with an unyielding obsession. When I sped up the tempo of my gnashing in anticipation of my orgasm, I heard muffled noises come from her throat driving me to come.

I came again with such a wicked force that I felt like howling. With my eyes closed and my mouth wide open, I heaved and surged with the jolts of current flowing through me. My groin felt raw and blistered. My nipples were stiff and ached.

When the rush subsided, I moved away from her mouth and slid down. I rested my slippery foamy sex on the nipple with the ring in it. I mashed it around until I found the ring under my churning sex. I chafed and swayed on the metal letting it tickle my receptive flesh.

Moving down, I slowly skimmed her body gliding my swollen flesh along the length of her warm soft torso. I lay on top of her. Facing her, I kissed her lightly on the neck. I mouthed and licked the edges of her lips, and tasted myself on them. She sighed with anticipation.

She had her eyes closed and her hands at her waist pulling at the button and zipper of her jeans. Her right hand was under her panties and I could see she was searching frantically for her own pleasure spot. Finding it her hips pulsed to the pounding rhythm of her hand. She moved deftly and quickly; her breath quickening.

I watched in wonder for a moment while she whimpered and moaned under her own command. She was so lovely. I yearned to be inside her.

I slide my hand down covering hers. Together we moved our hands into the creamy flesh. She opened her eyes and looked at me.

Knowing the floor was filthy and uncomfortable for her I lifted her hand and we both stood up. I moved her against the bathroom wall.

She pulled her pants down and around her ankles in one swift movement.

Realization started to sink in. Everything that happened up until now I had previously felt and experienced with a man. I could have closed my eyes at any point and imagined this girl was a man. I was about to do something that was very alien to me yet felt very natural; our like anatomies lent me the knowledge to know what felt good. I was anxious to see what it would feel like to have her under my control. It was all very enlightening and intriguing.

She touched me lightly on the tops of my shoulders and gently urged me down. I crouched before her. Her pubic hair tickled my nose and lips as I breathed in her scent. It was sweet and sour at the same time, intoxicating my mind. It filled my senses and urged my desire.

I kissed the top of her clit gently “Now”, she urged with a growl.

Her clit hung down a little from the folds of her lips. It was puffy and red. I pulled it into my mouth and suckled at it. Holding it gently with my teeth, I consumed it as I would a man; pulling it out to its full length and sucking it back in again. It was wrinkly but smoothed when I drew it out. Like a piece of bubblegum, it was pliable and could I twist it and swirl it around my tongue. The hard little core at the head felt like a little pebble against my tongue. Her fleshy folds sprinkled with dark curly hairs that felt rough against my lips. The valleys were deep and I could bury my tongue deep into them and feel the silky skin underneath.

She touched my cheek. I turned my face and took one of her fingers into my mouth sucking it gently running my tongue up and down its length lathering it up with my spit. She pulled it out wet and slick and slid it down the curved mound of her sex. She started to manipulate herself showing me how and where to work my tongue. I massaged her inflamed clit in slow concentric loops. It throbbed under my pressure with a pulse like a tiny heartbeat.

I was lavishing her with my tongue running it up over her mound, down along the taught skin beyond her labia; ultimately driving it deep down burrowing into the sleek cavity. I had to see what it felt like. I yearned to know what it tasted like.

Her opening was like a little hungry mouth puckering and salivating; spewing out beads of pearly liquid. She was sopping wet and the slurry of sweat and come tasted tangy and wild.

I positioned my mouth over her and suckled lightly while combing my tongue steadily over the hard gem of her clit. She gasped and seized my hair in her fists.

I could feel my own sex responding to her moans and whimpers, pulsing and throbbing with each mew.

She brought her leg up behind my head exposing her sex for me. I moved in closer, positioning my face up under her crotch and she squatted down onto my mouth. She pulled my head in closer locking me in tight against her.

I pulled her into my mouth and sucked on it with more enthusiasm. I moved my tongue along her rapidly, in smaller and more concentrated circles.

It felt like I was devouring a piece of ripened exotic fruit; oozing its’ sweet sticky juices down my chin.

I placed my fingers into her velvety sachet and slid them around widening the opening; preparing it for the girth of my tongue. I plunged in as deep as I could. I could feel the hard flesh inside her, spongy and firm against my tongue. My tongue lathered up her whole sex with sloppy spit.

She bucked against me as I moaned inside her.

I gnawed at her suckling and wrenching. I wanted her to come soon before I devoured her whole.

Grunting wildly, she pumped hard against my mouth grinding up and down my teeth. I looked up to see the look on her face. She looked awesome, with her mouth open she moaned. Her stomach muscles were tense. Her tits jiggled and bounced as she humped my mouth. The look of ecstasy made me want to come as well.

She finally convulsed for a last time holding my head in tight against her both of us unmoving for a few quiet moments. She was catching her breath. I still had her in my clutches and breathing heavily through my nose. All was motionless.

Before releasing my mouth, I flicked at her hypersensitive clit one last time. She yelped and giggled.

Standing up straight, we pulled on our clothes and looked at each other.

I moved to look in the mirror. I looked flushed but actually sort of pretty in a feral, carnal kind of way. I ran a cool wet paper towel over the nape of my neck. She stood next to me and did the same.

Together we soaped up and washed each other hands like two little girls, giggling and blushing. It was very sensual and I could feel my sex swell with knowing.

Smiling at each other in the mirror, we both patted our faces dry and applied fresh lip balm.

Breaking the silence I finally asked “Why?”

Looking at me in the mirror with compassion in her eyes, she replied, “Because you need to know”.

Need to know? I thought. Needed to know what?

Unsure what she was talking about I concluded, at that moment, that she wanted me know what passion was like with a woman. Not just the cunnilingus but what soft curves, ripe flesh, and exquisite smooth skin could feel like under my touch.

Moreover, she wanted me to know I was desirable. To be desirable to another woman can sometimes be more important than having the same feelings from a man. Women know what beauty entails. It’s more than just tits and ass; it is the entire person. It’s their intelligence and their style, their grace and their wit. Women can appreciate what it takes to be beautiful and in that sense, it means more.

She turned and we walked to the door. Just as we got there, I walked up behind her and kissed the back of her neck; I wanted her to know I was grateful and that I understood. She shivered and pulled the door open.

Did we notice the noises from outside the door? Yes, but we didn’t care. Our whole escapade took maybe fifteen minutes. We were just two girls using the bathroom together. Besides the dirty looks from girls waiting in line, no one would be the wiser.

We made our way through the crowd. I was following behind her planning to go back to my table alone.

Would she sit with me now I pondered? I was starting to grasp the depth of what just happened. What would I tell Juliet? Did I have to tell her? I couldn’t think about it now. I needed a drink. I had to sit down and think.

To my surprise she walked right up to our table, where as expected, the “Cigarette guy” was chatting up Juliet. As we walked up Juliet let out a boisterous laugh and touched his arm.

“That’s not true”, Juliet cried laughing flirtatiously and covering her face timidly.

Then I watched in dismay as my girl walked up to the “Cigarette guy“. He turned toward her. She pushed her body in between his legs and put her face up close to his.

Juliet gawked and turned red. She turned her head and looked toward the dancers on the dance floor. Caught off guard she looked pissed.

I watched as the “Cigarette guy” brought his nose down to “My girls” lips inhaling deeply. Grinning at her, he reached up and caressed her bottom lip with his forefinger, pulling it down to open her mouth seductively kissing her.

I could see his hand run up her shirt to the breast where I knew she had the nipple ring. “My girl” moved closer to him and straddled one of his bent knees seductively sliding up on it.

I just watched in disquiet. I was staring at his face when he opened his eyes and stared back at me. His eyes were ablaze with lust searing my soul. He continued to kiss her passionately while enchanting me with his glare.

When he released from the kiss he smiled down at her and whispered something in her ear. She moved to sit on the stool beside Juliet. He looked over at me and patted the seat next to him inviting me to sit down.

I was spellbound. I couldn’t move my legs. I felt like he had just kissed me. I knew what her mouth felt like, every elegant wet inch of it. I knew the texture and intensity of her tongue. The memory was so vivid in my mind that I actually sighed when he freed her from their embrace. I had to shake my head a little to focus on reality.

Eventually, I unglued my feet from the floor and walked over to the stool. He pulled it out and I sat down.

“Hi” he said.

“Hi”, I said looking down at my hands. Where in hell was that drink?

I watched as “My girl” tried to make conversation with Juliet. I felt him move in closer to me. From the corner of my eye, I could see he was leaning in close to my face. He brought up his hand and brushed the hair away from my ear.

He placed his lips close to my ear and whispered, “I can smell it on her”.

I jolted up right my heart beating hard and fast.

“Smell what?” I questioned looking straight ahead, my eyes wide with terror.


“You”, he breathed into my ear.


My body went rigid and heat rose to my cheeks. He knew. My faced burned.

In an instant, the waitress was beside me placing a cold glass of gin and tonic down in front of me. I snatched it up and took a big gulp. He turned to her and took the bottle she was holding. Leaning back, he took a long draught off the beer.

“Hey Fae” he said loudly to ‘My girl‘, while still staring at me, “Can you introduce me to your friend?”

She turned to me with a radiant smile. I realized she didn’t know my name.

“I’m Sylvie”, I retorted.

Looking at her and then to him in astonishment. I put out my hand and he grasped it squeezing it lightly. He didn’t let it go but placed it on his leg under the table. My hand froze on his thigh. It lay there unmoving and numb. I was bewildered.

“You know these guys?” Juliet asked me looking amazed.

“We meet in the bathroom”, piped Fae.

“We had to… share”, she said and winked at me grinning broadly.


“Oh, nice “said Juliet coolly. I could tell she was still miffed and maybe a little confused.


“I’m Pan,” said the “Cigarette guy” from beside me.


“Nice to meet you,” he said.


With that, he grabbed my hand on his thigh and placed in on his crotch. I turned to look down at my hand then up to his face. He grinned. I looked away and watched as Fae engage Juliet in another conversation. I couldn’t concentrate and I could think was:

He put my hand on his crotch.
He put my hand on his crotch.
He put my hand on his crotch.


How did I let this night get so out of my control?


I could only guess what my face was doing. It felt red and prickly. I hope that I didn’t look too freaked out.


Pan sidled up closer to my ear once again and said, “I can show you, ya know?”


His lips were poised so close to my neck that I could feel the tiny hairs there move in unison with his breath.


I stopped breathing. I tried to speak but suddenly my mouth was so dry I couldn’t move my tongue to form any words.


I took a sip from my drink, turned to him, and finally asked, “Show me what?”


“Later” he whispered into my ear.


Then his hand covered my hand at his crotch and pushed it down onto himself. I could feel the taught fabric sweltering with his moisture. His body heat was emanating under my palm.


My mind was reeling. I concentrated on my drink, drinking as much as I could without gagging.


The girls were laughing about something on the other side of the table. An old disco song came on and they squealed in unison. They both stood up and ran for the dance floor.


In the midst of the crowded club with music blaring, people singing and shouting, Pan and I were alone. I had tunnel vision and I couldn’t focus.


He brought his hands up to the table and picked up another cigarette lighting it. Then ever so slyly put one hand on my thigh and the other along the back of the chair behind me. I jumped.


What in hell was going on? I thought suspiciously. My encounter with Fae, now this.


Not to mention the kiss he and Fae just shared.

Swingers? I considered.
Oh, man. Juliet and I had had some crazy shit happen to us in the past but not quite on this level.


I honestly thought this guy was out of the picture. I had made up my mind that I would be listening to him and Juliet in the throes of passions all night long. I was bewildered and thrilled at the same time. Now I had my hand on him in a very compromising position.


Was this night really happening to me?


He put his cigarette in the ashtray and moved his hand back to my thigh. He began to rub my thigh moving it higher and higher with each stroke.
My breath was catching in my throat. My drink was empty.


My thighs were tingling and I could feel it radiate to my crotch. My leg started to tremble. When he felt this he turned to me and rubbed harder moving his hand higher and cramming it between my legs at the cleft of my jeans.


Inflamed, my cunt pushed tight against my jeans. The seam was pushing into the lips of my pussy, cutting uncomfortably into the length of my clit.


He looked down and I knew he could clearly see the outline of my sex bulging out of the sides of the seam. He groaned and moved his hand to it.


He dragged his fingertip slowly against the thick seam. He stroked the hard tip of his nail up and down along the fabric causing a vibrating sensation directly over my clit. The sensation sent a tremor through me and I puffed out a breath of air. My body betrayed me as I started to writhe in my seat.


My hand was still poised on his cock but I couldn’t move it.


He had moved very closely to me. To everyone else we looked as if we were talking in confidence. I finally looked him in the eyes. He was staring at my lips.
“Hey”, I said with an exhale barely audible. The only word I could manage to speak.


He looked up and met my eyes. I looked back at him with what I thought conveyed my anxious and confused state. I implored him with my eyes for an explanation.


He just kept his eyes fixed on mine. I couldn’t tell what they were conveying. Was it desire and determination or compassion and understanding?


He continued to stroke and I knew I was going to come undone. Unable to rein in my impulses any longer, I leaned into his body breathing a sigh against the hollow of his shoulder and his neck.


He had beautiful tanned supple skin. I could taste salt on my lips from his sweat. I could feel his beard stubble on my cheek.


While keeping a steady rhythm at my sex he moved in to kiss me. He covered my mouth with his. Slowly he pushed his tongue into my mouth plunging and mingling with mine. With a kiss, he dominated me.

I think my soul left my body at this point. I could feel it ascend through the top of my head pulling all thoughts and notions with it. It soared around the room bumping off the walls. My stomach flip-flopped. Blood rushed to my head and my ears started to ring. Sparkles shimmered behind my eyes.


He pulled back from our kiss and stared at my crotch. He began diligently scratching at my groin with relentless fervor, very effectively jacking me off.

I had no choice but to overcome to my orgasm. He looked up into my eyes and sensed what was coming. He quickly covered my mouth again with his. I released my desire and moaned into his mouth. With this, he quickly pulled his hand away from my crotch and began unbuttoning his jeans with fevered urgency.


I was still soaring on my orgasmic high when I noticed that he had pulled out his cock and was clutching it just below the head. He moved my hand onto his shaft and guided me to work the length of it in my palm. It felt hot and very rigid. He pulled me closer with his other arm and buried his head in my hair. I felt him open his mouth and place it on my neck to stifle a moan.


I looked down at it, it was dark in the bar but I could tell that the head was purple and engorged with blood. He goaded me to stroke faster and grasp tighter. I applied pressure on the bulging vein with my knuckle and felt it pulse and surge. His extremity jumped and writhed in my hand as short bursts of fluid sprayed out onto the floor beneath the table.


With each spurt, he hissed and sputtered. Squeezing his eyes tight his face contorted.


He shuddered a few times and then I felt him relax in my hand. I released him and put my hand in my lap.


After a few seconds he discretely stuffed himself back into his jeans, zipped, and buttoned them up.


“Damn”, he said with a smile, “that was intense.”


“Incredibly”, I staggered.


He pulled me in for a kiss then drew me onto his lap. He wrapped one arm possessively around me and grabbed his beer to take a drink.


I was feeling overwhelmed.


I looked around the bar to see if anyone noticed. The table directly behind us probably knew but when I glanced over at them, they averted their eyes.


My mind was swimming with the absurdity of what just happened.
Never in my wildest dreams would I have ever expected this.


I felt dizzy and had to concentrate on breathing so I wouldn’t collapse.


I looked to the dance floor and spied Juliet and Fae giving the patrons quite the show.


Fae was holding Juliet’s face in her hands and was kissing her very seductively. Juliet wasn’t a prude but I could tell by the look on her face when they parted it took her by surprise.


Fae twirled Juliet around to the music and pressed her body up to Juliet’s back. I could see Fae’s hand stroking Juliet’s puss up under her mini skirt, long caresses reaching far down between her legs. Juliet was getting the full treatment. I smiled.


Pan chuckled and shook his head saying something like “That’s my girl”.
This night was getting weirder by the minute.


We watched as Fae pushed on Juliet’s back so that she would bend over forward exposing the delicate flower print of Juliet’s thong panties and the gleaming mound of flesh bulging out from it. Her pretty rump exposed for all to see.


Fae placed one hand on Juliet’s lower back, the other kept up a rhythmic grating over Juliet’s mound. Juliet responded by backing into Fae’s commanding hand movements.


They way things were progressing on the dance floor; it looked as if someone was going to be kicking us out of the establishment very soon.


Pan got up and offered me his hand “Come on, “he said with a grin, “Let’s dance”.


I didn’t really have choice as he grabbed my hand and pulled me out of my seat and walked me to the dance floor.


When we got there, the girls were facing each other. Fae had Juliet’s skirt up over her hips. Her crotch on Fae’s bent leg she shamelessly pumped her hips back and forth. Fae had one hand down the front of Juliet’s panties caressing her cleft with a finger. The other hand was plucking at her nipple. Her nipples were hard and I could see the little ring poking through her shirt. She was tugging and rubbing it in time with Juliet’s gyrations.


When they saw us, they reluctantly parted and we joined their merrymaking. Fae was in front of me, Pan was behind me, and Juliet was behind him. Together we stirred on the dance floor. We caressed and kissed each other. To my surprise, we kept it tame. To the onlooker, of which there were many, it looked like we were just dancing and flirting but we knew differently.
It was sensual to be submissive and restrict our inhibitions.


Want and greed were gnawing at my loins.


We giggled and kissed a little more and when the music ended, we headed back to our table.


As soon as we made it back to the table Pan announced, “Would you girls like to go back to my place?”


Juliet and I looked at each other. She nodded yes and I casually agreed.
I decided I didn’t have anything to lose. This night was spinning out of my control. I was just going to let go and see where it would take me. How could it get any more bizarre? I felt like I was twenty again. I could feel my buzz abate and hoped I wouldn’t lose my courage.


We left the bar and hailed a taxi. We sat in the back each holding each other’s hands not saying a word.


Ten minutes later, we were at the doorstep of a little bungalow in an older neighborhood. Pan opened the door and much to my chagrin I was surprised to see a neat homey living room. I was envisioning one of those “sex swings” hanging in the corner and pornography on the wall. Instead, there were hanging plants and black and white prints of autumn landscapes.


He was such a sexual presence that I fell back into reality realizing he was just an ordinary man. Ok, not ordinary in the mundane sense of the word but not a sexual deviant as his previous actions suggested.


He welcomed us in and motioned to a shabby-chic style couch for us to sit on. He turned on a couple faux tiffany-style lamps that gave a soft buttery glow to the room. He moved into another room that I concluded was the kitchen. He called out to us and asked us if we would like something to drink.

“I’ll have some ice water”, I replied. My mouth was dry with trepidation and excitement.


“No thanks” said Juliet distractedly.


She was eyeing Fae who was studying a shelf of cd’s. She pulled one out and put it in the stereo. A sultry love song filled the air. She turned around and started dancing in little circles around the room.


She pulled off her shirt. Juliet looked flushed as she stared at Fae’s slinky body and brown pert nipples moving seductively to the crooning voice on the stereo. I saw her eyes twinkle with delight as she spied the gold ring through Fae’s nipple.


I felt like a third wheel. What in hell was I doing here? In the back of my mind, I guessed I was hoping to spend more time with Pan. The attention he was giving me was amazing. I craved this kind of attention. I needed it to confirm that I was desirable and beautiful. My life was in by no means unfulfilling but as I said I wasn’t as confident as I used to be and it held me back from experiencing the joy found in just being wanted and needed.


Just as I was going to feign sleepiness and lay my head down Pan came up by my side handing me a tall sweating glass of ice water. As I reached out for it, ice tinkled against the edges and sloshed a little down the front of my shirt. It was incredibly cold as it ran down between my breasts. I sucked in a breath and stood up. Pan was staring at the wet spot on my shirt.


“I’ve got an idea”, he said pulling me by the hand down a hall into another room.


It was dark and a little stuffy from the heat and smelled like white sage incense. He switched on a light by a king-size bed. The room lit up to display smatterings of bachelor-inspired décor.


There were mismatched pillowcases on the bed. The bedspread was plaid and worn but looked very comfortable. He turned on a fan in the corner of the room. Suddenly the room felt breezy and cool.


I was clutching my ice water and taking small sips. Although we had our moment at the bar, I still didn’t know this guy and was feeling a little bashful.
He placed an old blue bandana over the top of the lamp and the room took on an ethereal glow. He was taking all of the covers off the bed. When he got down to the khaki colored sheets, he stopped and straightened them out. He fluffed the pillows. It was all somewhat hasty and I was not sure what we were doing.


Should I lie down on his bed now? Was there going to be any conversation?
I was so out of the loop I didn’t know what to expect.


Unsure, I just balanced on the edge of the bed and looked around the room. The blue cast from the covered lamp muted all the shadows. The room was clean except for a few clothes on the floor. He walked over to them, swept them up in his arms, and threw them in a hamper standing by the door.
I watched him as he surveyed the room. It must have been to his liking because he walked over to me and took my hand pulling me to my feet.


He was standing before me and I could smell the pleasant smell of fabric softener on his shirt. He grabbed the glass of ice water from my hands and made a gesture with his eyebrows that implied ‘May I?’
I nodded a yes and he took a big gulp. He handed me back the glass and bent his head close to mine.


He brought his hands up to the bottom of my shirt and tugged lightly indicating he would like to pull it up. I stretched my arms above my head trying hard not to spill the water. He drew up my shirt up and over my head, pulling it over the glass without a hitch. He reached around the back of me and undid my bra. It fell to my waist and he caught it and tossed it onto the floor next to my shirt. The room grew cooler and my skin pulled in tight against my body.


He stood back a little and pulled his own shirt off. His chest was amazing, broad and sculpted. His skinned glowed in the blue light of the room. I swallowed hard and tried frantically to breath. He walked up to my naked chest and pressed his warm body to mine enveloping me in a shielding embrace his arms encircled me. He slowly swayed back and forth rubbing my breasts against his belly.


I could hear the haunting melody of another song from the other room and tried to envision what the girls were doing. I wondered if Juliet was having fun. Hell, from what I knew of Fae, I knew she was.


Pan pulled back a little and bent his head to my breast. His lips brushed my nipple. He opened his mouth and took it in his teeth. A cry of surprise left my lips when I felt the cold tip of an ice cube being swirled around the end of my nipple. The sensation was so enthralling that I reached up and grabbed his shoulder to dig in my nails. He flinched but proceeded with the act until the ice cube melted down to a sliver. When he took his mouth off my breast the cool air from the fan blew on my icy nipple and hardened it to a tiny stone.


“Um” he said fingering the fleshy bump with his thumb, “Told you I had an idea”.


He smiled mischievously, “Do you like it?”


Like it, I thought, FUCK ME WITH AN ICEBERG- NOW!


I just nodded and he smiled.


He grabbed the glass again, took another gulp, and placed the glass on the dresser behind him. This time I watched him grab an ice cube with his tongue and hold it in his mouth. He lowered to kiss me. The chill crispness of his mouth sent shivers through me.


He moved the cube back and forth from my mouth to his. I caught the ice in my mouth and with a grin pulled back from his kiss. He smiled at me knowing it was his turn.


I pushed the tip of the cube out of my lips and moved my mouth up to draw it across his throat. He let out a gasp from the cold. I dragged the cube down his chest over his nipple. It was a tight little brown button and wrinkled up even tighter with the frigid water.


I pulled the ice into my mouth as I stepped away to look at him. I could see the sharp bones of his hips protruding on his sides. They made a soft canal for his flat-bronzed belly. His belly button was long and the hollow deep. I bent my head to his waist, slipped my tongue in the grove, and twirled my cold tongue around. I could feel his breath quicken.


The line of hair from his belly button on down was dark brown and laid flat against his skin. I ran my tongue through the soft little curls until I reached the waistband of his jeans. I pulled a little on the top of his pants indicating to him that I wanted to back up to the edge of the bed. As I did this I could see the head of his cock peeking up at me; It‘s violet colored tip glistened with a dollop of come.


I bent close and licked the velvety tip with an icy tongue, savoring his briny sap. He groaned and touched my head with one hand and put the other on my shoulder.


I sat on the edge of the bed and undid his button and zipper. He wasn’t wearing underwear so as soon as I unzipped him his cock dropped out in front of me poised it bobbed before my eyes. The balmy smell of sweat and warm flesh rushed at me and made me sigh.


I situated the ice in the back of my mouth and took the head of his dick into my mouth with a slow and steady suck. His hands tightened on my head and shoulders. I could feel his back arch eagerly. He grunted and clutched my shoulders harder stifling an urge to shove his prick down my throat.


I swirled my tongue around the firm edge of the head and down the center of it. I let the ice cube come up to the center of my tongue where I used it to stroke the length of his shaft. I welcomed him in deeper and more forcefully into my throat. I let my hand come up to hold his balls in my hands fondling lightly.
I pulled my mouth away releasing him.

Angrily, his cock throbbed in front of me. I stuck out my tongue and held still not touching him. Without moving my head, I teased and mocked him with my tongue forcing him to move in closer. Each time he would move in intent on putting his cock in my mouth I would pull away little further. I licked the head very gingerly with my tongue and then pulled away. He groaned for me to take him back up into my mouth but to no avail.


I opened my mouth up wide and stared up at him letting out a throaty giggle. His face took on a sinister grin as he vehemently grabbed the back of my neck intertwining his fingers in a firm grasp and forcefully jamming himself into my mouth making me gag. He growled fiercely with each brutal and sharp thrust. The more I gagged the harder he would plunge.

Anxiously, I started to suckle more rigidly and in deeper elongated strokes. He began to pump his hips against me. He held my jaws firmly with his thumbs holding my face still and forcing his sex into my throat. I could feel the head probing the back of my throat as I tried hard to open it up and let him it. My throat tightened around him as I fought for air. I could feel my eyes bulge and water with the strain.


He pushed me back onto the bed and with his whole body pumped away at me. My throat was hot with friction as the ice melted to oblivion. I frantically swirled my tongue up and down the bulging vein. I flicked my tongue back and forth across it feeling the blood surge through it. He grunted.


Upon opening my eyes, my vision was filled with his contracting stomach muscles. I closed them and concentrated on breathing through my nose. I could feel his strong legs pumping near my arms and I lifted them up to bring him down into me deeper.


I began to stroke his ass. A downy sheen of hair lightly covered it. I let my fingers crawl between his cheeks and probed the crevice to find his asshole. I stroked the rim lightly feeling it pucker against my finger. He started to grunt louder and I could feel the vein pulse against my tongue. I knew he was about to come.


I stuck my forefinger deep into his anus. His buttocks clenched around my finger. He exploded into my throat.


With each spasm of come, he would buck against my jaw. He filled my throat and mouth with fluid. I pushed my finger deep up into his ass feeling the hard core of his prostate gland. I pushed back on it applying pressure to this most sensitive spot.


“Holy shit”, he cried and clutched a handful of my hair still thrusting persistently.

His stomach muscles were tight and glistening with sweat. With a single frantic plunge he made a sound like a whimper and started to drive slower and the semen slowed it’s surging. I swallowed what I was able to but could feel streams of come spill out of the corners of my mouth.


He slowly pulled away from me and collapsed onto the bed beside me. I released him and flung my arms to my sides panting and catching my breath. I could taste his seed on my tongue and teeth making them feel squeaky and smooth. I could feel it draining down the back of my throat.


He turned to me and pulled me up on top to face him. He giggled as he saw what a mess he had made of my face. I brought my hand up to clean my face off and he quickly moved to grasp it in his hand. Then he lightly brushed my cheeks and lips with his thumbs to clean them. He kissed me very softly.


I giggled and whispered, “I spilled some”.


“Yeah,” he smiled “me too”.


We laughed at his joke and then went quiet as he looked off over my shoulder with wonder. I looked over my shoulder to see Fae and Juliet, nude and standing by the bed arm in arm.


“Well hello lovely ladies”, greeted Pan with bluster. “Having fun?”


The girls looked at each other and giggled. “Yeah”, said Juliet blushing.


I was embarrassed as well and put my forehead on Pan’s chest.


“Hey”, said Pan, lifting my chin up to his.


“We don’t need to stop now. I still have something to show you”.


He lifted my chin up and kissed me.


I could feel the bed move at the edges where the girls had taken their seats. I kissed him back and pulled away to glance behind me at the girls. I reddened. They were going to watch.


I was more self-conscious for Juliet to watch than Fae. Juliet had known me for a long time but this was much more intimate than I had ever imagined we could be.


Pan brought my face back to his and kissed me again. A powerful and passionate kiss that made me realize there was no need to be embarrassed. I could let go and everything would be ok.


He lifted me up off the bed so I was standing in front of him and moved to sit on the edge of the bed. He pulled me in between his legs and ran his hands up and down my legs and butt. He buried his head into my belly and inhaled deeply. He reached up, undid my pants, and slowly pulled them down to the floor. I stepped out of them.


I looked to Fae and Juliet who were gazing at me with very solemn faces.
I looked at them with a sly grin and then closed my eyes. This was he, I, and no one else. They were just spectators.


Pan had his hands on my upper thighs and pushed his thumbs up under my panties. With his thumbs, he stroked the outer edges of my lips brushing the coarse hair back and forth. He moved his face down into the cotton crotch of my panties nuzzling his nose into them; I could feel his hot sultry breath on me. He moved his thumbs into the grooves of my sex. My panties were wet with sweat and cream; gummy and glued to me.


I had my hands on the sides of his face and could feel his jaw tense and he pushed his thumbs into my slit. He was moving his thumbs around its edges slowly widening the hole.


I opened my eyes and looked at my two friends. They both looked at me with panting mouths and inviting eyes. I kept my stare on them while Pan pulled my panties down. He lifted one leg up onto his shoulder and moved his mouth into my crotch. He licked once with one long stride and I almost fell over.

He grabbed me up and situated me back onto the bed facing the girls.
Pan moved over to Fae and whispered in her ear and she nodded. She reached out, grabbed one of my legs, and motioned for Juliet to do the same. They spread my legs out wide so that my pussy was gaping at them. I could smell the scent of my sex fill the room. I could feel the chill breeze from the fan waft over my clit enticingly it pulsed and throbbed.


I placed my hands over my eyes. This was surreal and I needed to focus on what Pan was about to do and not the two naked women binding me to the bed watching with baited breath.


Pan was moving around the room. I felt him get up on the bed between my legs and the two girls. I heard noises of giggles and kissing but did not look out from under my fingers.


I could hear the clink of ice in the glass of water. Then, all at once, I could feel the sharp tip of an ice shard touch my pussy. I gasped and caught my breath. He was moving the ice up and down over my burning flesh, its heat melting it instantly sending slow streams of ice water down to pool at the mouth of my cunt mingling with my own essences.


With two fingers, he spread my sex open and in a rushing blast of cold, I could feel the ice enter me, rigid and freezing. The frostiness rushed through my body sending shocks through my groin. He slipped it back and forth with one finger then his mouth came down on me and he slurped up the ice into his mouth.


I moved to bend my knees and the girls helped. I could feel Fae’s hair on the inside of my knee and knew she was peering in to watch Pan eat me out.

Again, he moved his face into me moving the ice in and out with quick thrust of his tongue. He put his thumb up in me holding the melting cube in place and started to pursue my clit with his tongue. He sucked at the flesh, twirling and twisting his tongue into the tiny knob.


The ice cube felt enormous and glacial; its bitter intensity was numbing the insides of me.


I could hear the girls breathing and panting as they let go of my legs so I could wrap them around Pan‘s shoulders. I started to feel the urge to come and took my hands away from my eyes.


I saw Fae standing up against a dresser, one leg hiked up over Juliet’s shoulder. Juliet had her face buried in Fae’s pussy eagerly bobbing it back and forth, as if she was a contender in a pie-eating contest. She was noisily moaning and grunting into Fae’s sex. Her face was flushed and messy with moisture.


Fae was holding a handful of Juliet’s hair yanking her head up and down across her mound, licking her lips in ecstasy.


I felt my orgasm hastening and moved my hips up high off the bed. Pan began sucking and grazing at my clit delicately slowly easing me down from my elevated state, halting my orgasm.

I could hear the sounds of the girls grumble and moan with pleasure for a few moments then it was quiet. When I looked up again the girls were gone.


I was trying to catch my breath when Pan mounted me. He let his cock linger at the mouth of my cunt for a moment then dragging the rock hard tip up and down my bloated sex. Watching me squirm and rear under this torture, he relented and plunged in with extreme force burying himself up to his pubic bone. It knocked the wind out of me and I struggled to take a breath.


He let out a fierce groan and grasped my shoulders gaining advantage. He pulled back and quickly plunged back in for another earth shaking thrust. He looked at me with feverish eyes.

“I am going to show you”, he said, “how beautiful you are.”

I was astonished. This was his task. Oh and how I did feel beautiful!

Any void I may have felt was full of this gorgeous man. I was the center of his attention. Everything he wanted and needed right this second.


We moved together, meshing flesh in synchronicity.


He rolled me over so that I was on top and shifted my hips to move in his rhythm. I ground myself onto his thatch of curly hair and the boney flesh of his pubic area until I felt the unmistakable waves of passion approaching.


I came in fits of spasms wriggling and bucking over him. My back arched leaning back I could feel him hit the core of my sex the muscles of my sheath tense.


When my orgasm subsided, I told him to stop and rolled over onto my belly. Pulling my knees up under me, I lifted my butt up into the air spreading the cheeks out in front of his cock. With a pleading look, I caught his eyes. I wanted to show him my appreciation the only way I knew how.


Tenderly, he lay across my back bringing his mouth close to my ear and whispered, “Are you sure?”


I nodded.


He dipped his fingers into me dampening them before he caressed and probed at my hind end generously greasing it up. I leaned my head down into the pillow and poised my rump and frothy mound invitingly at his shaft.


He entered my sex from behind slipping in and out lubricating his rod. Pulling it out he slowly he nudged it at the other opening. With his hand, he gradually penetrated the tip of his cock into the hole.


He lay across my body humping my backside very tentatively. He brought his penis out very far then carefully thrust it back in deeper. Eventually, he was able to slide easily into me.

The sensation was startling and I could feel my muscles tighten against this foreign object and although uncomfortable, it was nonetheless erotic to know that he would find this tight fit magnificent.


Within seconds, I could hear his labored breathing and felt his muscles tighten. His pumping sped up straightening out his body plummeted into me. Clutching at my hips, he strained to move slower. Sensing his reluctance to hurt me I started to pump and rock my hips back and forth into him gaining speed and depth with each thrust. He sat back on his heels and brought me onto his lap. I sat back impaling myself fully on him. The pain was excruciating and spectacular.


He moved his hands around to my inner thighs and spread them far apart freeing my swollen sex. He rhythmically petted and fondled my flesh in time with our rocking hips.


With my hands on his headboard, I steadied my self and plunged onto him with quicker thrust of my hips. He let out heavy grunts with the momentum. His breath on my spine was growing quicker and raspier. Impulsively he pushed me forward burying my face deep into the pillow smothering me ramming his sex in further.

I could feel droplets of sweat showering my back from his forehead as he ground into me with gathering speed nearing his own climax.

When he came, he roared out something indistinct. His body trembled and quaked. I could feel him spasm and throb inside me. I gasped and fought for air in the pillow. After, he tensed and became still.


I heard him exclaim, “Fuck me”, as he slowly pulled out of me and rolled me over to look at him.


The look of shock and awe on his face floored and delighted me.


He clutched my face in his hands; beset a very passionate and tender kiss on me that left me more winded than I had been all night.


“Can you see it now?” he asked imploring me with his eyes.


“I knew when I saw the look in your eyes earlier -at the bar - if you only knew how beautiful you are”, he plead stroking my face “that you could shine”, he added.
“And I knew I…we,” he motioned to the other room indicating Fae, “could show you”.

I caught my breath, looked him in the eyes and fully exposed my soul and whispered, “Yes… I know”.

My voice caught in my throat; I was silent unable to voice the depth of emotions I was feeling.


Backing a little from me, he brushed my hair away from my face and drying the sweat on my checks with his thumbs, he kissed me.


“Yeah”, he whispered studying my face for the truth. Obviously feeling convinced that he had accomplished what he set out to achieve he pulled me into a tight embrace and kissed my forehead.


We lay there each stretched out naked in the cool breeze of his room. I fell asleep with the smell of sex and incense lingering in the air.


When I woke, it was still dark outside. The room illuminated only by that peculiar shade of blue from the covered lamp. Juliet and Fae had joined us on the bed. Fae and Pan were in between us.


I could see their bodies move into one. I watched them moving together in a slow methodical rhythm. They were making love. They kissed and whispered to each other very softly. He moved slowly and passionately inside her. When they came, they did it in unison very quietly and intimately. They fell asleep entwined in each other’s arms without even acknowledging our presence. Juliet and I just watched in admiration.


I woke again in the morning. Everyone was still asleep. I woke Juliet and we moved out of the room as quietly as possible. With gratitude, ardor, consideration and respect I took one look back at the couple sleeping. I realized then the strength and magnificence of each action that took place that night. They had made me feel beautiful again; these two martyrs of passion play.